His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
