Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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