Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
