hell yes lets make some ravioli
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
