I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
