2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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