He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
