6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
