If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
