You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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