Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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