Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
