DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think my moral compass just broke
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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