he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
