Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
