Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
