I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
