while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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