drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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