i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I FOUND THE LEGS
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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