I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Is that strawberry winking at me??
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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