I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
