I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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