I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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