Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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