someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's never too late to be topless.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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