I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
