I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
