My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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