yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she told me i tasted like america
cat food counts as protein by the way
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
