thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
