Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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