my phone needs a breathalizer
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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