My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
