I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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