The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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