can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
