At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
