Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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