Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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