We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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