i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
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I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
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I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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