I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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