On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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