That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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