omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
