I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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