my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.