A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son