She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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