just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
