please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
