just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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