he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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