We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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