I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up under a house in Key West
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
