my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize