are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
