Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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