From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
